Sexual Socialization: What do you know and how do you know it?

What do you know about sex? Not the physical aspects of sex, but the social. What have you been told

or taught about sex? Who gave you that information? How do you know that information is

accurate? How does that information impact you?

In our effort to explore the various facets of sex, our next discussion point regards the social component

of sex. Sex is more than just a physical act. It is an act that occurs in the context of social relationships,

whether the sexual act itself involves another person or not. We learn about sex through social

relationships and interactions. We talk about sex with others, we observe others engaged in various

forms of sexualized activity, and we develop an internal sense of what is or is not sexually acceptable

through our social interactions. The reality is, whether we know it or not, we are exposed to social

messaging about sex throughout our lives, be it through media, our friends, parents, partners, churches,

leaders, etc. The fact that we learn about sex through a variety of mediums isn't inherently good or bad,

it just is. It's inevitable and unavoidable. What determines how that information impacts us is our

ability to recognize and analyze the information we receive and then make informed decisions about

whether or not we want to integrate that information into our lives. That could sound simple, but it's

not. Here's why-

Our learning about sex started long before we were consciously aware we were learning about sex or

how that learning might impact us. In other words, we start developing our sexual knowledge before we

fully understand or are even aware of what’s happening. That makes it hard to make informed decisions

about whether or not to integrate that information into our lives. Here’s a non-sexual example: At some

point in your life, someone taught you the sky was blue. At that stage in your life, you likely just

accepted that fact. You may not have understood it and you may have called the sky purple a few times,

but the adults around you likely corrected you until you started repeating the sky is blue and did so

reliably. Now, when your kids are learning their colors, you tell them the sky is blue and you probably

don’t even think about it. It’s just a thing you know that you don’t have to think about.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on the knowledge you received), our sexual knowledge works

similarly. Sometimes we learn something so early on, we take it for granted and aren’t even aware of

learning it. Or, we assume the knowledge is correct without ever double checking that fact. (Remember

in science class when a teacher told you “the sky isn’t actually blue, it just looks that way” and then you

had to share that fact with anyone and everyone you met? Mind blown.) Our sexual knowledge works

similarly. Here’s an example: At some point in time, most children discover that touching their genitals

feels good (this is a completely normal developmental event). However, in House A if a parent observes

this behavior their response might be to tell their child that activity is “icky” and not to do it. They then

repeat that until they no longer see their children touching their genitals. In House B, a parent might see

their child touching their genitals and tell them “It’s okay to do that, but it needs to be done in

private.” The parent then repeats that message until their child starts going into their room when they

feel an urge to masturbate. What did the child in House A learn and what did the child in House B

learn? How might that impact their adult sexual functioning?

If you were to ask someone, “where did you learn about sex?” they might answer sex ed or in “the birds

and the bees” discussions with their parents. They also might say they learned about sex by talking with

peers, early dating relationships, and in the media they consumed. The learning people tend not to

recognize are the covert, subtle, or nonverbal cues they received about sex throughout their lives or the

things they learned so early on they don’t remember learning it. What did we observe but not talk

about? What were the nonverbals we were exposed to? What automatic assumptions or beliefs were

we raised with that we haven't examined? What did the people around us think was so __________ (fill

in the blank- obvious, uncomfortable, unacceptable, etc) that it was never directly stated? How did the

adults around you respond when you started dating or became sexually active? How did your peers

respond? My goal in this discussion is to start to unpack these various facets of sexual socialization in a

way that sparks introspection and to help you start to better understand how you have been socialized

into the sexual being you are today.

First, let's start with the places most of us think about first when asked “where did you learn about sex?.”

Meaning, explicit discussions about sex and sexuality with parents, educators, religious leaders, or other

adults in your life. This also includes sexual education courses taught in school. Frequently, and

unfortunately, these experiences are usually marked by a fair amount of awkwardness, embarrassment,

shame, and focus on preventing pregnancy and STIs. These discussions rarely focus on sexual pleasure,

how to have a fulfilling sexual relationship, or how to learn about one’s sexual self or likes and

dislikes. These discussions also tend to operate from a solely heterosexual perspective focusing on penis

in vagina intercourse leaving not only LGBTQ+ folks but anyone for whom penis in vagina intercourse is

difficult or impossible completely left out. Take a minute and reflect upon what you were explicitly told

about sex. Here are some of the most common examples:

• Wait until you’re married or in a committed relationship to have sex.

• Men/Boys want sex more than women.

• It’s your job [girls] to say no to sex. Boys will say anything to have sex.

• Abstinence is the only safe sex.

• Getting pregnant or an STI will ruin your life.

To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with learning how to prevent pregnancy and STI’s. There’s

also nothing wrong with learning about the mechanics of sex. Both are integral parts of learning how to

engage in sexual activity and/or a sexual relationship. The issue is those are not the only important parts

of learning how to engage in sexual activity and/or a sexual relationship.

Second, let's look at the next area we tend to think of when asked “where did you learn about sex?” This

includes early dating experiences, interactions with peers, or the media they consumed. For some

people, this is the primary area or way they learned about sex. They never attended a sex ed course and

none of the adults in their lives ever explicitly talked to them about sex. This area of learning tends to

happen through discussion, experience, or observation of others. It may also be based upon what

others have learned about sex, which may or may not be accurate. Think back to what friends told you

about sex. How old were your peers when they started having sex? Why did they start having sex? How

accurate was the information they provided? Where did they learn about sex? If a friend said no to sex

with a partner, what happened?

Now consider what you learned about sex from previous partners. How did you learn what types of acts

occur during sex, ie. different positions or types of stimulation? How did you learn how to behave, look,

or sound during sex? Also think back to how sex was portrayed in the media you consumed, including

pornography. What kinds of sexual acts did you see people doing? How did they look when they were

engaged in those acts? What assumptions did you make about how sex would be when you had

it? Through all of this, you were learning not only what sex was and how to do it, but also what to

expect during sex and from a partner. You may also have been learning about how to manage (or not

manage) sexual rejection or desire discrepancies and how to initiate or decline sex, among many other

things.

Third, let's explore what we sometimes call implicit or covert learning- the learning that is not explicit or

direct and isn't openly talked about. These are the things that we just know or feel without being able to

state exactly why we know or feel those things. Think back to the earlier example of House A and House

B- the children in those stories may not remember those events but they might have vastly different

expectations and experiences regarding masturbation. Additionally, some people feel dirty or weird if

they talk about sex with a partner. Did anyone ever explicitly tell you that talking about sex was weird or

was it just not done in your house? What about public displays of affection, how do you know what

you’re okay with and what you’re not? Was that expressly stated or did you “just know?” How did you

observe others behaving? And how did you observe those around you reacting to it? If someone in your

family had multiple partners of the course of a year, how did the family react? It’s possible that no one

ever said to you “having multiple partners quickly is bad” but by hearing negative comments about

someone who did you inferred that it was. Earlier I mentioned noticing how the adults in your life

reacted to you when you started dating, did they talk to you directly? Or did they do something else, like

refuse to talk about the fact that you had started dating? As much as a refusal to talk about it means no

direct verbal communication is happening, it still communicates a lot.

Covert learning can be particularly impactful for members of the LGBT+ community. Imagine the impact

if you spent your entire life only observing heterosexual couples and then hitting adolescence and

experiencing attraction to a friend or classmate of the same sex. What assumptions or things could you

start to think about yourself? What about how LGBTQ+ people were talked about? It’s possible no one

ever directly said “liking people of the same sex is bad” but if you heard enough homophobic slurs, you

may have easily inferred that it was.

The problem with these various types of learning is they, at best, paint a massively incomplete picture of

sex, and, at worst, are factually inaccurate. They also set us up to feel shameful, alienated, and like

something is wrong with us if we don’t fit into the very narrow box of “normal sexual functioning” that is

typically portrayed in early learning about sex. Furthermore, most people don’t actually learn anything

about how to have pleasurable, fulfilling sex or how to navigate sex with partners. Our sexual

socialization also sets us up to have expectations for sex that are unattainable, unsustainable, and

unrealistic.

So, let’s start setting the record straight. I’m going to list a few basic truths about sex and if you find any

of these hard to believe, it could indicate that your sexual socialization is getting in the way.

1. There is no “right” or “best” way to have sex and sexual intercourse is not required to have a

satisfying sexual interaction with another person.

2. Our partners will not automatically know what we like sexually. We have to teach them and in

order to do so, we have to know and be able to articulate our sexual needs, preferences,

interests, and desires.

3. Sex needs to be a pleasurable experience for everyone involved. In order to experience sexual

pleasure, we need to be able to quiet our minds, focus on our bodies, and maintain connection

to another person while simultaneously remaining connected to ourselves.

4. The best place to talk about sex with a partner is outside of the bedroom while fully clothed and

calm. During sex you still need to talk to your partner in order to negotiate sexual activity and

make sure it is pleasurable, but discussing long term sexual concerns or issues won’t go well in

the moment.

5. There is no perfect number related to sex whether it’s number of sexual partners, how much sex

one has in a week, or how long sex lasts.

6. Sex involves a variety of sights, sounds, smells, and tastes that are unique to the people

involved. There is no way around this and it will never match most of what we’re shown in

popular media.

7. The only thing guaranteed about sex is it will change over time. It doesn’t matter if you have

multiple partners, one, or none, sex changes across the lifespan. Those changes can include

changes in sexual interests or preferences, changes in sensations during sex, changes in desire,

and changes in patterns of arousal or orgasm.

Now, there are certainly more basic truths about sex than what I’ve listed above but I’m hoping this list

gives you somewhere to start. If you’re hoping to examine your sexual socialization further, here is an

exercise to get you started:

Find a piece of paper and a pen and set aside enough time to really think about your answers. Write

whatever comes to your mind. There is no dumb thought or wrong answer. This is only for you, no one

ever needs to see it.

1. Make a list of everything you know, believe, or think about sex.

2. Now, look at the list you’ve made and write down, for each item, where, how, and when you

learned that information. If you don’t know, write that down.

3. Go back over the list you’ve made. Write down how that information impacts you- does it help

you or hurt you? Has it caused conflict or unhappiness in your life? If anything on your list hurts

you, highlight it.

4. Consider if any of the items you’ve listed could be inaccurate or not true. If there is something

on your list that is inaccurate or not true, draw a line through it. If you aren’t sure if something

is accurate or true, put a question mark next to it. Consider where you learned the

information. Would you trust that source to give you information today or on other topics? If

the answer is no, carefully consider whether that information is accurate or not.

5. Look at what’s left on your list and consider if there is anything you would like to add to your

list. Is there anything you don’t believe or know yet, that you would like to? Write those down

and put a star next to those.

Now you have a place to start. The things you’ve highlighted, put a question mark by, crossed out, and

starred are the beginning of your work to improve your sexual wellbeing. Recognizing and correcting

harmful and inaccurate information and beliefs while obtaining new, more helpful knowledge and beliefs

will go a long way in improving how you experience sex. Remember, if this feels overwhelming or you

need additional support, a qualified therapist can help.

Possible Resources for Further Exploration:

Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex and How to Get It

Marty Klein, PhD

His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America’s PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex

Marty Klein, PhD

https://www.martyklein.com/

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

Emily Nagoski, PhD

Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

Emily Nagoski, PhD

https://www.emilynagoski.com/

How to Understand Your Sexuality: A Practical Guide to Exploring Who You Are

Meg-John Barker & Alex Iantaffi

How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide to Exploring Who You Are

Alex Iantaffi & Meg-John Barker

https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/#

Written by: Margaret Light, MA, LMFT
Equilibrium Therapy Services