Let’s Get Physical: Sex And The Body
I’m going to say something obvious: sex doesn’t just happen between people, it happens between bodies. Because sex happens between bodies, how you interact with your body matters… a lot. It probably matters far more than we recognize or want it to. Here’s what I mean:
How many times have you
Ignored your bodies’ hunger or thirst cues?
Written off that pain in your back or knee?
Berated yourself in the mirror for being too _____ (fill in insult here)?
Refused to engage in an activity or event that you were worried your body either couldn’t do or would look ridiculous doing?
Have you ever wondered how any of those activities influence the sex you’re having?
Typically, when we think about sex and our bodies we tend to think about our bodies during sex, we don’t usually think about how what our bodies do outside of the bedroom can influence our performance in the bedroom.
Here’s more:
Do you know when something has changed with your body or is no longer working well?
How do you react to bodily pains? Do you slow down, ice or heat, rest and heal? Or do you pop some advil and keep pushing?
What about your blood pressure, cholesterol, and A1C?
Do you know how different foods, medications, or beverages impact your body?
What about those? Do you know how those impact the sex you have? What about the sex you don’t have?
All of us, at some point, will decline sex due to how our bodies feel- we ate too much, our back hurts, we’re sick, etc. Furthermore, all of us, at some point, will change the kind of sex we have due to how our bodies feel- that position hurts, we need to start using lube, that outfit doesn’t fit anymore, so on and so forth. So, the question I’m asking you isn’t “does your body impact the sex you’re having?” it’s “how does your body impact the sex you’re having?” and “how do you respond to the way your body impacts the sex you’re having?”
The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter what body you’re in; how you relate to, take care of, understand, and feel towards your body is going to influence the sex you- and your partner- have. I’m going to say that again because it’s so important. How you interact with and treat your body doesn’t just impact you. It also impacts your partner. This isn’t to say your partners’ needs are more important than yours, they’re not. It is to say, in any relationship, we influence one another, whether we want to or not, whether we like to or not, it’s inevitable. So, how we interact with and respond to our body is going to impact anyone we’re in a relationship with as well.
So, how does how you interact with and treat your body influence your partner?
Let’s say you think you’re unattractive- you’re the wrong weight, too old, and not as agile as you used to be. Your partner may not share those feelings. They may think you look better now than you ever have, may love you more because you’ve both matured enough to not be so reactive, and be eternally grateful you’ve slowed down a bit because they have too. You could be having the best sex of your life and yet, you’re not, because you’re too embarrassed by your body to let your partner see it, much less have physical contact with it.
Or, let’s say, you live with chronic pain and feeling the physical sensations associated with your body is no longer a good experience. So, you try to disconnect from your body as much as possible. While this may make daily life doable, it likely massively decreases your level of sexual satisfaction. Good sex doesn’t happen when we’re disconnected from our bodies, good sex happens when we can be mindfully aware of our bodies and enjoying the sensations happening within them. Also, our partners like to know they’re doing a good job during sex and that we are enjoying sex with them. If sex doesn’t look or isn’t enjoyable for you, chances are, your partner isn’t enjoying it as much either. Side bar: if your partner ever continues to have sex with you when you clearly are NOT enjoying it, that’s a major problem.
One more example for good measure. Let’s say your partner loves hiking. Early on in your relationship you would hike with them. During your hikes you would talk about anything and everything and, typically, ended up feeling closer to your partner after those hikes than at any other time during the week. Reliably, in the day or two after those hikes, you’d end up having sex with your partner. Not run of the mill, it’s a Wednesday sex, but you’re the one I love, I’m so glad you’re my partner sex. Now, however, you have an old knee injury that keeps acting up and you haven’t done much to address the issue except take a few Tylenol when it gets really bad and avoid using it. So, you hike less. Unless you and your partner have been super intentional and have found alternate activities to facilitate closeness, guess who’s having less you’re the one I love, I’m so glad you’re my partner sex? You. And your partner.
Let’s get real for a few minutes and talk about the various ways how you interact with and treat your body impacts sex. This is not a comprehensive list, just a few starting points to prompt some reflection about the ways in which how your relationship with your body impacts the sex you have.
First and foremost, muscular weakness, tension, pain, and injury can all negatively impact quality and frequency of sex. Most people don’t find involuntary pain arousing and struggle to experience sexual desire when they are in pain. Pain can even be a source of distraction and distress when it occurs during sex. Pain can also result in functional issues during sex, such as an inability to get or loss of an erection and difficult or painful penetration.
Second, our quality of hydration, nutrition, and sleep all impact sex. Specifically, what we eat and drink can significantly impact our level of motivation for sex and how our bodies and bodily fluids taste during sex. Additionally, not only can being over tired influence one’s interest in sex, it can also can impact one’s ability to orgasm or even get and maintain an erection.
Third, feeling poorly about yourself or believing something is wrong with your appearance can negatively impact sex. It may result in you focusing so much on how you appear during sex that you’re completely unable to enjoy the sex you’re having. Sex is an event for the senses! This means being aware of what you’re experiencing- seeing, feeling, tasting, hearing, and smelling- can serve to enhance the experience. However, attention is a limited resource. If your attention is entirely spent on how you look, guess what you’re not paying attention to?
Fourth, sex doesn’t only happen in the bedroom and it’s not only intercourse. The build up to sex can start hours before, as you’re getting ready for date night, or when you’re partner looks at you in a certain way, or as you and your partner have fun and simply enjoy each other’s company. If you’re refusing to engage in certain activities that you and your partner used to enjoy, it’s possible you’re also missing opportunities for sex.
Fifth, chronic health conditions directly influence sexual functioning. For example, uncontrolled blood sugar or unmanaged heart disease all negatively impact sexual performance. Furthermore, changes in sexual functioning can even be a sign of an underlying health condition. So, if you aren’t paying attention to the general well-being of your body or aren’t taking your health conditions seriously, your sex life is likely to suffer.
My hope, by this point, is that I have adequately illustrated some of ways your sex life and your body are linked. While I could continue to go on about these links, the point here isn’t to write a complete review of every possible way your body influences the sex you have, but to inspire you to start thinking differently about how your body and the sex you have influence each other. Within that process, the most important question to answer for yourself is:
How does my body and how I relate to my body influence the sex I have?
And, once you know the answer to that question, the next question you get to answer is:
Now that I understand how my body influences the sex I have, what am I going to do about it?
Written by: Margaret Light, MA, LMFT
Guest writer and SHIFT Physical Therapy and Wellness collaborator
Equilibrium Therapy Services: Trauma, Couples, and Sex Therapy
www.equilibriumtherapyservices.org
(P) 763-878-8576
