Sexual Expectations: This Is Supposed To Be Easy, Right?
What makes good sex?
Is it the right positions, a hot partner, and hours of uninterrupted time? Or is it complete and utter
confidence in oneself, one’s body, and our innate sexual prowess? Or maybe it’s a partner who knows
exactly what we want, when we want it, and who we never feel uncomfortable with?
Unfortunately, none of that is what makes good sex.
As much as we are exposed to depictions of so-called good sex on TV, online, via social media, or through
porn, the reality is, the vast majority of the sex we view is completely unrealistic. Here’s what’s typically
involved in unrealistic sex:
Two people, engaging in sexual activity, they have both apparently consented to, that they both appear
to totally enjoy, all while being so in sync or attuned to one another that no one has to ask for or
communicate anything other than some well-timed and still sexy moans, groans, or other noises of
appreciation. Also, their bodies do whatever it is their owners want them to do. Desire, arousal,
lubrication, erection, penetration, and orgasm all occur reliably and at the exact right moments. No one
interrupts them, their phones are on silent, the kids are out of the house, the dog is sleeping in another
room, and no one rings the doorbell. Typically, they appear entirely focused on one another, no one is
experiencing thoughts of the chores that still need to be done, the pain in their back, or the fact that
they would really prefer a different position but their partner won’t agree to that. There’s never any
discrepancy in desire, no one is ever uncomfortable with the others’ turn ons because they are so
completely aligned, and there’s never any unseemly smells, sounds, or tastes.
It’s completely wonderful. Fantastic. Amazing. Mind-blowing. Perfect. It’s also completely unrealistic.
What does realistic sex look like?
You and your partner have 30 minutes before the kids get home. You’ve temporarily locked the dog out
of the bedroom but now he’s barking at the cat. Neither of you showered today. You’re starting to
undress but you’re also thinking about the chore list for this weekend and the work meeting you have
first thing tomorrow morning. Then you catch sight of yourself in the mirror and suddenly feel insecure
about how your stomach looks. You want to feel turned on and present in the moment but now you’re
worried about why the dog is still barking at the cat. You love your partner but you’re also a little pissed
at them too because why isn’t the barking bother them? Why aren’t they thinking about the chores?
Do they notice the weight you’ve put on? Then you have to ask your spouse to take their elbow out of
your ribs. Pretty soon, you both give up, put your clothes back on, and go rescue the cat from the dog.
If you’re lucky, you’re part of a couple that has a sense of humor about these things and are able to
laugh it off and agree to try again tomorrow. If you’re unlucky, one or both of you end up with hurt
feelings, a fight ensues, and sex is off the table for the next week. There was maybe even some blame
and defensiveness thrown around.
Okay, so that could seem like a bad example as the two people involved in it didn’t actually get to the sex
part. Here’s another for anyone feeling cheated:
You and your partner had date night at your favorite restaurant. You both ate too much so lay around
watching tv after you get home. Eventually one of you says “Want to go the bedroom?” The other
thinks about it for a moment and says “Sure.” You go to the bedroom. Sex ensues except this version of
sex looks a little different than the perfect sex described earlier. One person’s hair gets caught on a
button on their shirt. Hopefully you can both laugh about this. Kissing is off the table because your
partner had salmon for dinner and you hate fish. Your partner agrees to go brush their teeth so kissing
can be back on the table. There’s active negotiation about sex acts. You agree to get on top until your
knees start to hurt then you ask to switch. Then the dog barks and you both yell at him to “SHUT UP!”
before continuing. Your partner finishes before you so you ask them to help you out with a sex toy until
you orgasm. You cuddle for a while after sex. The night was a success!
Here's the thing, contrary to what we might like to believe, sex isn’t always easy, clean, or amazing. In
fact, what most people would admit to picturing when asked what they think of when the word sex is
said is a sanitized version of sexual intercourse. Notice I said admit to, the things they don’t admit to are
far more interesting. Also, notice I said sexual intercourse, sex can involve a lot more than penis in
vagina intercourse. Furthermore, for quite a few people, sex is no longer easy or amazing and for some
of those folks it never has been. Side bar: sex has never been clean. By sheer fact of it being a biological
process, clean is out of the question. Anyways, then, because of whatever sexual expectations one
holds, when sex isn’t amazing and easy we tend to feel poorly about ourselves or like we’re a failure or
start to believe we have sex problems. This is before we factor in how our partner reacts. Maybe
they’re understanding and compassionate or maybe they’re not. Maybe they have complicated sexual
expectations as well and then things get really unpleasant.
In reality, sex is an incredibly complex process that most, if not all, of us don’t fully understand or
appreciate and we aren’t simply talking about the biological part of sex. We’re talking about how your
emotions, socialization, beliefs, behaviors, preferences, and thoughts about sex interact with the biology
of sex. Also, we talking about how all that information about you interacts with all your partners
information about sex and how all of that interacts to form the sex you have with that particular partner.
Sound complicated yet?
Over the next few weeks, I’m going to take some time to explore some of the various factors that
influence sex so you can start to better understand what’s happening within yourself during sex. I’m also
going to pose some questions for you to consider to help you learn more about your sexual self. Once
you better understand your sexual self, you’ll be in a much better place to consider how to start making
sex a more enjoyable experience for yourself.
You have good sex you say? Awesome! Congratulations! That’s fabulous and I’m happy to hear it. Want
to make your good sex even better? You could still benefit from exploring and learning more about your
sexual self.
Written by: Margaret Light, MA, LMFT
Guest writer and SHIFT Physical Therapy and Wellness collaborator
Equilibrium Therapy Services: Trauma, Couples, and Sex Therapy
www.equilibriumtherapyservices.org
(P) 763-878-8576
